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Changes in Liberated Iraq
by Jean Dominique
If you're like most people, you're wondering what will happen now that the war appears to be over, asking yourself questions such as "What will Iraq look like?" "Who will be in charge of Baghdad?" and "Will the Iraqi people finally have the freedom to enjoy American culture?"
Those are important questions. As a person interested in this war, I've sought answers, interviewing every foreign affairs expert within five feet of my couch. Since I cannot get good answers I've had to read tarot cards, gaze into a crystal ball, and consult an obeah man. Here's what we can expect:
---President Bush, having brought freedom to Afghanistan and Iraq, is hailed around the world as The Great Liberator. "He liberated us from our terrible dictator," says one grateful Iraqi man. "And even more amazing, he liberated us from our oil."
---Democratic presidential candidates, hoping to steal some of Bush's popularity, promise to liberate several other countries, including North Korea, Cuba and France. A few even propose introducing democracy to Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and Pakistan -- until Colin Powell reminds them that "those are our allies."
---The unemployment rate plummets as thousands of Americans join the humanitarian effort in Iraq, known officially as "Operation Rebuild What We Just Destroyed." But television networks are forced to lay off dozens of employees, most of them retired generals. One general buys a "job wanted" ad, touting his strengths as a military analyst, including his "uncanny ability to find Afghanistan and Iraq on a map" and "vast experience in using a pointing device."
---Hatred for America in the Muslim world diminishes slightly, thanks to the Bush Administration's ingenious plan to join forces with Britain and Australia in conducting the war, a move known officially as "Operation Share the Hate."
---Thousands of anti-war activists, eager for another challenge, join the controversial group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and organize massive protests around the world, urging meat-lovers to "give peas a chance."
---Iraqi TV makes dramatic changes to its schedule, canceling popular shows such as "Everybody Loves Saddam," "Meet the Prez" and "Eight Simple Lashes for Dating my Teenage Daughter." New shows include "American Idol," "American Justice," and, of course, "Baywatch."
---Fast-food giant Burger King expands into Iraq, opening a chain of restaurants, shrewdly promoting them as Baghdad King. Other new restaurants include Steak and Sheik, Subway Sandwiches and Kurd Rice, and Kentucky Fried Chickpeas.
---After being captured by American troops, the former dictator of Iraq decides to transpose the syllables in his first name, switching from Saddam Hussein to the more appropriate Damsad Hussein.
---Another change takes place when the liberated women of Iraq gain control of Baghdad and decide to give it a new name: Baghmom. But the deposed men threaten to file a lawsuit, forcing the women to accept a compromise: Baghparent.
---The New York Times, always at the forefront of journalism, conducts some intensive reporting and uncovers a surprising fact -- that good and evil exist in both Iraq and America. The finding shocks President Bush, who stops emphasizing the "goodness of America," choosing instead to stress the "goodness of America outside our vast prison system."
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